Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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