I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
