I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
