If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
