Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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