worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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