I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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