Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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