So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
