Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
