bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
