I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
from now on my penis is your penis
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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