Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
