Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize