I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
