this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
