so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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