okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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