You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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