I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
