I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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