Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
