i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
