apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
