You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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