He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
