there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She's the barista slut.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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