So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
