take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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