sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
