Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
