I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
