I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
