you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
