My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
