There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
