I wish you could order shots online.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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