put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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