there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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