i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize