my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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