i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
