Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
