Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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