Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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