Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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