hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Randomize
