maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
