I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
