Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
