u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
