I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
