wakey wakey hands off snakey
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wear drunk well.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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