so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
