On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
