My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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