Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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