Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
