Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
