The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
