I am in a vortex of obligation.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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