this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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