just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize