Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
