R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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